Cold Eyes

A tale of an undead woman (A continuing story)

Snow sprinkles down on to the city street. In the curtain of snow a figure appears. Grace Fairewood, walks with her hands in her coat pockets. It is hard to tell the shape of her face through the snow. Her skin is almost as white as the snow. The only way to see her coming is by her dark wardrobe and exceptionally dark hair that passes her shoulders.

Time slows down and what makes Grace stand out more in the crowd is that while everyone else is heavily dressed in winter coats and snow boots, Grace is wearing a light coat and black tennis shoes. Everyone except her is covering his or her faces. Nothing seems to faze her, not even the painfully cold wind. Suddenly the crowd blurs and the only clear image is of Grace walking.

Grace walks on with her head down and when she looks up she stops in front of this bridal shop. She sees a young woman posing in front of a mirror in her wedding dress. The only expression you get from Grace is through her eyes. It’s as if the world just got very dejected.

The beams of sunlight shined through the window on to a young Grace. Her skin was ivory and she looked alive. Her smile was infectious and the room seemed to glow even more. She was standing in front of her mirror in her wedding gown. It was made of the simplest of silks and lace. Back in the Elizabethan era it was a beautiful time. A time where art flourished and the creative juices poured into many glasses. Grace’s hair was long and was a chestnut brown. A voice is heard in the distance; ‘You can have that day again if you really wanted it.’

Back to the present Grace turns around and looks at the man behind her. Alexander Horsey, a man with round black-framed glasses and had a pale coffee toned complexion. At first glance he looks fairly young. Take a longer look and you noticed he is aged. His dark hair has a hint of gray. He has lived far longer than you and has seen things no living creature can imagine. ‘You tell that to the man who was left waiting for me!’ Grace snapped back.

‘I saw you behind me when I left Leventhorpe’ she said. ‘Why didn’t you stop me then?’ Alexander asked. Grace looked at him and smirked ‘Because, I know you didn’t want me to know. Takes the fun out of the chase.’ And with that she walked into a crowd and disappeared with Alexander rushing off behind her.

I Will Never Let You Fall

So, I was lurking around the site and I noticed a blog about the song that is played at your funeral and it got me thinking about the subject. My uncle John passed about a week ago and since then I have seen a good number posts on death and many things thereof. If I am not mistaken I even thought I saw a post on guardian angels. I think I am getting mixed up with the song I am listening to and the actual post. Who knows?

Does everyone have a guardian angel? If you are not religious does that mean you don’t get one? I personally think that everyone has one. I was raised Catholic but I don’t really practice it. I take a few beliefs from the religion.

Now on to what I was really talking about. Guardian angels, yes. I choose to believe that everyone has one. It is up to the individual if they decide to heed their warnings or ignore them. Though over the course of the past two years I have been going through what some would consider the worst time of their lives. I mean it’s bad but I feel like I can get through it. My guardian angel is constantly whispering in my ear to ‘Hold on’, ‘Just keep going. You can do it.’ Unconsciously I have been listening.

Even if you don’t believe in the whole spiritual aspect of a guardian angel you can still have one. Your guardian angel can be an actual person. They can be the friend that holds you up when you can’t stand anymore. They can be the parent that listens to you and makes your problems ok. They can be the teacher that supports you and encourages you to do the things that you really want to do. They come in all shapes, sexes, sizes, and species… They are everywhere.

I believe that I have a spiritual guardian angel and many, MANY real life guardian angels. Who are your guardian angels?

She Slipped Away

She wasn’t very tall but her personality stood out in the crowd. Most of her life she was pretty shy. As she grew older she came out of that shell and let her random, dorky self come out.

She met her husband around the same time she had crushes on two other men. She was a student in college and her three crushes at the time were all her professors. Nothing happened of course during her time there. They were just harmless crushes.

Her husband was a tall man with a killer smile. He had dark curly brown hair and the bluest eyes. One of the many qualities that she loved was the fact that he could make her laugh. He was very playful and always had interesting stories or life lessons to offer. He was very passionate about the work he did. He loved music and wanted to share his knowledge of music with others. He was an all around nice guy who just happened be tardy a bit. During the time she had him for his class they talked about music and food.

A few years go by and she is volunteering at a local festival. She is carrying a box full or papers and other supplies to one of the other tents and then she crashes hard into someone. That someone turns out to be her future husband and he still had that killer smile. They talk for hours playing catch up and much to her surprise he had asked her out. Of course she said yes and after a couple of years of dating they finally tied the knot. The wedding was everything she could have dreamed of and more.

The wind was cool on the bright and sunny day. They all stood outside on an extremely emerald hillside in Ireland. She got the man she wanted and she was working steadily in the profession that she had always pictured herself in. Two years later they were blessed with the birth of their first son. He looked just like his father and had his killer smile. Over the years they ended up with four children, two boys and two girls.

She started feeling sick and ignored it since she thought it would pass. When it only got worse after two weeks she went to the doctor and discovered she had cancer. She decided to do the chemo and radiation. The treatments were only making things worse because they discovered that she was allergic to the medication. Without the treatments the cancer would spread and inevitably she would die.

Since there was nothing left to do for her she lived life as much as she could before being hospitalized. She called in everyone that she wanted to say goodbye to. One by one they showed up. Each one become harder and harder to say goodbye to. The last two were people from her past back when she was in school. She confessed about her crushes and they joked for a bit before she said goodbye.

The final night came and she looked over at her husband and asked him to lie next to her. She knew her time was soon and wanted to be as close to her husband as she could. She put her head on his chest and closed her eyes. He brushed her hair and held her close like he did years ago. When he felt she wasn’t breathing anymore tears fell from his eyes and he kissed her head. He held her tighter and whispered “Goodbye” and then he slid out and called the doctors.

The good die young and are missed terribly. She got all that she dreamed of and thought she would never get. If she had it her way she would have spent more time with her loved ones but she was glad she got the time she did. The tears that fall only water the ground for the new lives to come.

Wow, Such A Young Little Thing

I was looking for photos of my Uncle John and I came across some old photos of myself and I thought, “Wow, look at my hair!” I had such strange hair. When I signed on to my myspace today I noticed that I had a new blog post up from one of my friends. She had a very insightful post about change.

Basically it said that everyone changes and that sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it is bad. It got me thinking about how much I have or have not changed. I have changed very much in my appearance. I no longer put my hair in a side ponytail, mostly because my hair is not long enough to even put up. My theory now is that if my hair is long enough to be put in a ponytail then it is too long.

I got my hair trimmed today by my sister Connie. In our Native American beliefs, when someone dies you must cut a lock of your hair. So, my sister went around the house today collecting everyone locks.

Looking back at those photos and reading my friends post made me think about the kind of person I am now. I honestly think I am a good person. I could always use some improvement on things but I don’t think I am cruel or horrible.

All in all I think I have changed for the better. If I can take anything from the last couple of years I have changed for the absolute better and shall continue to change for the better.

Prophecy

John A. Shemayme was born on Lawton, OK and when he turned four years old his family moved out to the bright sunny state of California. Though I don't know much about this man he is my grandmother's brother and all my life I have called him 'Uncle John'. Sadly, he died on the 14th. My aunt is writing his obituary right now as I type this. I have found out that he went to school for architecture and that he was on the movie 'Prophecy' with his brother Steve Shemayme.

The photo of the movie poster sparked memories of me arranging the VHS collection in the living room so it looked nice and neat when I had to clean up. I never understood why we had that movie until right now. Both my grandmother's brothers were in that film. They weren't starring roles or anything but they were in it. And the film has 3 out of 5 stars on netflix.

My uncle John died of complications with pneumonia. He will be buried in Oklahoma with his mother and right now at the moment everyone is getting their things together for the trip out. Unfortunately, I can't go out there cause I have work.

I did not speak with him much but it was always nice to see him walking down the street or see him on the bus when I got on. He would always advise me to keep working hard in school and other advice like that. He will be missed and I hope he has found all his loved ones and is in a happier place.

R.I.P. Uncle John.

It’s All In The Smile

My version of falling in love.

I have never been in love but I think I've come as close to it as I can and I like to call them extreme crushes.

I was sitting there lost in my thoughts. I see you, I see you pass by the window. The door opens and you smile. It's all in the smile; it's always in the smile. It was at that moment I fell for you. With introductions going around the class I just remember being nervous as you reached me.

Getting to work as fast as I could, I try to occupy my mind with other thoughts that weren't you. After an hour your voice breaks my concentration. I can feel every fiber of my being tightening. I struggled to get out the words of "I'm fine". The fact that you even wanted to talk to me made my skin blush.

As time went on I saw your smile more. With each smile I was falling deeper and deeper into this pit that felt so good. I could speak to you without stumbling and I could actually hold a conversation. I could make you laugh, and I tried as much as I could just to see that heart-breaking smile again.

Looking into your shinning eyes behind the spectacles. Getting lost in those eyes. I talked to you more than I actually did the work. I always managed to finish the job though. You always made the end of my day. End of the term came the first hug. I was walking in the clouds. It was unexpected but it just felt so good. My smile never faded for the rest of the night. Even now, the thought of it brings back that same smile.

Next term, I had you again. It was a relief to see that smile again. Oh, how I missed that smile. But, this term went by too fast. I was leaving that place and when I told you, your eyes lost their sparkle. A smile was painted on and your voice lowered. My eyes lowered at the thought of having to say goodbye to you. I dreaded that day that I would eventually say the words.

The day I had been dreading for months now has come. As usual you were there smiling and warming up my heart. Then the time came, and things turned cold. It was just you and I. Looking into your eyes one last time, it took all that I had inside not to fall apart in front of you. I didn't want to say it and I didn't want you to say it. You put your arms around me. For that moment, which I prayed would last an eternity, I held on to you and you held on to me. It hurt to pull apart, it hurt even worse to look at you. You started speaking the words I didn't want you speak. We walked together to the elevator and we talked for as long as we could. It was my floor and we walked off together. The distance grew between us and we said the words that I never wanted to say to you.

Once I walked out the door and out of your sight I couldn't breathe. I couldn't hold back the floods and it all poured out. My heart broke and I missed you. I still miss you. So I say again the words I never wanted to say, Goodbye. Goodbye to the man who made me feel so good.

Breathed In, Breathed Out

Here is a personal essay I wrote on my "near death" experience.

“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breath out. Breathe in…” Words so brilliantly said by the band Bush. Those words are what helped me get through a scary point in my life. Pain that seemed to never subside and grow with each and every passing second. I could feel my life passing away and I cried.

One day I was fine, I was normal. The only thing was that I was completely exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. I went to my class fieldtrip and managed not to pass out. Once my friend dropped me off at my house, I decided I was going to take a nap before I went with my sister to a meeting. My eyes closed for the rest of the night. I barely remember telling my sister to leave without me. All I knew was that, the next morning I felt as if I were paralyzed.

The room was sweltering and my head was throbbing. I slowly sat up, and I felt as if I was on one of those spinning carnival rides or something like that. I had no energy in me to really move, and I could not see straight. I could not lie down because the pain would mount in my head, and if I stood up, the world around me danced in a circle. I could feel the pain in my stomach rising. I breathed in, breathed out and managed to take in some cool water while I was at it. The pain grew as my stomach twisted, and my head pounded inside my skull. The pain became a scorching burst of vomit rushing up my throat. I stumbled quickly to the bathroom toilet and let it all erupt. My stomach was furious with me for some reason, and when the hot lava of vomit finished, my stomach kept pushing me to push something out, but there was nothing. It would not end until one last but of saliva or vomit came out. I gasped for as much air as I could, and I prayed for who ever would listen to make the hell go away. Crawling back to the hot coals that I called a bed, I breathed in, breathed out.

The pit that is my stomach did not agree with me; It made me feel as if I were going to throw up all that it held. My head was pounding like a constant drumbeat. Sleep was begging me to give in and let it take hold. A wobbly trip to the bathroom became a constant in my daily and nightly routine. How I managed to get what sleep I did I have no idea. I was awake for most of the night because my head thundered so loudly it made my ears have a constant ringing.

Looking in the mirror at a ghostly sight of myself made me scared. I have always had a light complexion, but what I saw in the mirror was not who I was at all. I was pale and thinner than I once was. Too weak to move, I dragged myself to bed and I cried. I cried and cried and wondered what was wrong with me. I made up my mind that I was dying in one way or another, and I cried harder because I was not ready to die. I still had so much to live for. The fear of death has always been a phobia of mine, and I was terrified of what I thought was death coming towards me. During a trip to the toilet I cried and said, “Please… Make it stop… Please… I don’t want to feel this anymore.” Sick of it all, I told my mother to take me to the hospital. I sat in the emergency room for seven hours and I was given a bed to lie on with an IV in my hand. The room was cold, and it was hard to relax when so many people around me were suffering. After talking to the Registered Nurse-Practitioner, he informed me that I was going through migraines.

I never knew migraines could put someone through so much pain and for so long. My near-death experience was not near-death at all. Although I certainly felt as if I were dying, I had no other information at the time to prove me wrong. I still fear death because I do not want to let go of so many things that I hold dear to my heart in this world. Though I suffered through that time, I am somewhat glad I went through it because I became aware of what meant the most to me in life, and that realization got me to go out and experience things for myself and not to stay at home. I learned to finally live.