Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
I Try So Hard
But I am failing
I am trying so hard to be strong for you but I feel like I am failing. I am trying to be the strength for my mom and my sisters and I am failing at that too.
With each and every passing second a little piece of that wall cracks. Every teardrop is another pebble or stone from my wall. It’s getting hard to breathe now and the tears won’t stop flowing. My eyes seem to be swollen from all the tears. I try to hold them back but with every memory I have of you it brings back the tears times ten.
I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to see you laugh and watch CSI Miami. I want to see you drive in your van and listen to your music. I want to see you drink your wine and give me a hug and a kiss. I want to hear all of your advice. Just to hear your voice and see your smile would be an unspeakable joy.
It’s not fair that Noah and Becca won’t get to know you as well as I have. It’s not fair that they won’t get your birthday cards or your Christmas gifts. They deserve to have you love and so much more. They deserve at least a memory, but they are too young.
This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. The fifth wish out of the five was the hardest to go over. When it was asking us to forgive you for any hurt you’ve cause us. You did nothing to hurt us and there is nothing to forgive. I am sorry I wasn’t around more. I am sorry I never hugged your more or spoke to you more. I curse my quiet nature right now because it took away any chance I had to speak with you. In my mind I always had tomorrow.
I don’t want you to be in any more pain. I want to see you come home and sit in your chair or on your couch again. I am going to miss you so much and if I am like this right now I don’t know how I will be when you are gone. I love you so very much and this hurts just the same, more likely it hurts worse.
I am trying so hard to be strong for you but I feel like I am failing. I am trying to be the strength for my mom and my sisters and I am failing at that too.
With each and every passing second a little piece of that wall cracks. Every teardrop is another pebble or stone from my wall. It’s getting hard to breathe now and the tears won’t stop flowing. My eyes seem to be swollen from all the tears. I try to hold them back but with every memory I have of you it brings back the tears times ten.
I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to see you laugh and watch CSI Miami. I want to see you drive in your van and listen to your music. I want to see you drink your wine and give me a hug and a kiss. I want to hear all of your advice. Just to hear your voice and see your smile would be an unspeakable joy.
It’s not fair that Noah and Becca won’t get to know you as well as I have. It’s not fair that they won’t get your birthday cards or your Christmas gifts. They deserve to have you love and so much more. They deserve at least a memory, but they are too young.
This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. The fifth wish out of the five was the hardest to go over. When it was asking us to forgive you for any hurt you’ve cause us. You did nothing to hurt us and there is nothing to forgive. I am sorry I wasn’t around more. I am sorry I never hugged your more or spoke to you more. I curse my quiet nature right now because it took away any chance I had to speak with you. In my mind I always had tomorrow.
I don’t want you to be in any more pain. I want to see you come home and sit in your chair or on your couch again. I am going to miss you so much and if I am like this right now I don’t know how I will be when you are gone. I love you so very much and this hurts just the same, more likely it hurts worse.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
You Hold The Rights I’ll Never Own
A bunch of mixed emotions all rolled in to one person.
Is anyone ever ready to say goodbye to someone they hold dear? Is everyone ever ready for the wave of hurt that is going to come?
So, with you holding all the rights that I will never own is it ok for me to beg you not to take that person from me? Can I plead for you to spare her life for a while longer? Is it ok for me to be selfish not only for myself but for my family’s sake as well? Can I be able to introduce her to my future husband? Can she be there for the birth of my future unborn child? Can she please be able to watch her two youngest grandchildren grow? Is it too much to ask?
Can you help me not be bitter towards another? Can you help me feel like she does respect me? Can you help me feel like she does care about how I feel? Can you help me not feel envious of the two of them? That they have someone they can lean on for support. They have someone they love and can be their strength. Do I not deserve that?
Is it wrong that at the moment I could care less about other topics? Is it wrong that all I want is for someone to just hold me and reassure me that things will get better? Is it wrong to feel this way? Should I just suck it up and deal with it and except the inevitable even though that means I have to say goodbye?
Is anyone ever ready to say goodbye to someone they hold dear? Is everyone ever ready for the wave of hurt that is going to come?
So, with you holding all the rights that I will never own is it ok for me to beg you not to take that person from me? Can I plead for you to spare her life for a while longer? Is it ok for me to be selfish not only for myself but for my family’s sake as well? Can I be able to introduce her to my future husband? Can she be there for the birth of my future unborn child? Can she please be able to watch her two youngest grandchildren grow? Is it too much to ask?
Can you help me not be bitter towards another? Can you help me feel like she does respect me? Can you help me feel like she does care about how I feel? Can you help me not feel envious of the two of them? That they have someone they can lean on for support. They have someone they love and can be their strength. Do I not deserve that?
Is it wrong that at the moment I could care less about other topics? Is it wrong that all I want is for someone to just hold me and reassure me that things will get better? Is it wrong to feel this way? Should I just suck it up and deal with it and except the inevitable even though that means I have to say goodbye?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Pressure
The never-ending pressure
The only thing that is keeping me from going insane is the music that is playing through my ears graciously from my headphones.
When I left home for Chicago, almost two weeks ago, it felt as if this huge weight of pressure was lifted off of my shoulders and I was suddenly free. I welcomed the sunlight through my small window on the plane. I could breathe and I was at peace.
My time there was incredibly joyous and I wished it would never end. Unfortunately I had to come back home eventually. Like the year before I became somewhat depressed to be leaving a place I loved so dearly. It gave me a feeling I had been lacking for sometime now and I teased myself with it. When I came home it was bitter sweet. It was nice to see my family again but I felt like that weight was put back on to my shoulders.
I feel like I have to face enormous amounts of pressure and sad to say that is what I think a good portion of life is about. Just facing those pressures and hopefully you’ll get to have that sense of freedom for good and not just 5 days and 4 nights.
I need to be a better sister, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend, and a better cousin. I need to be more helpful in cleaning. I need to not get so stressed over things that are out of my control. I need to believe that things will get better soon and that life isn’t going to get worse. I need to believe that my grandma will get better. I need to believe that I will soon have enough money to pay off the bills.
I need and want a lot of things but I will always have this. My writing and whether it is good or bad I will always have it. It keeps me sane just like the music that floods my ears. I get to breathe again when I write and things don’t seem so bad. I get a sense of clarity and a sense of something positive.
I am a distant friend to some right now. It’s just I am not ready to take on some things just yet and I will get back in to contact with you soon. Just right now, I need to regain that sense of clarity and sanity.
Until then, I continue on my quest to defeat all my pressures.
The only thing that is keeping me from going insane is the music that is playing through my ears graciously from my headphones.
When I left home for Chicago, almost two weeks ago, it felt as if this huge weight of pressure was lifted off of my shoulders and I was suddenly free. I welcomed the sunlight through my small window on the plane. I could breathe and I was at peace.
My time there was incredibly joyous and I wished it would never end. Unfortunately I had to come back home eventually. Like the year before I became somewhat depressed to be leaving a place I loved so dearly. It gave me a feeling I had been lacking for sometime now and I teased myself with it. When I came home it was bitter sweet. It was nice to see my family again but I felt like that weight was put back on to my shoulders.
I feel like I have to face enormous amounts of pressure and sad to say that is what I think a good portion of life is about. Just facing those pressures and hopefully you’ll get to have that sense of freedom for good and not just 5 days and 4 nights.
I need to be a better sister, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend, and a better cousin. I need to be more helpful in cleaning. I need to not get so stressed over things that are out of my control. I need to believe that things will get better soon and that life isn’t going to get worse. I need to believe that my grandma will get better. I need to believe that I will soon have enough money to pay off the bills.
I need and want a lot of things but I will always have this. My writing and whether it is good or bad I will always have it. It keeps me sane just like the music that floods my ears. I get to breathe again when I write and things don’t seem so bad. I get a sense of clarity and a sense of something positive.
I am a distant friend to some right now. It’s just I am not ready to take on some things just yet and I will get back in to contact with you soon. Just right now, I need to regain that sense of clarity and sanity.
Until then, I continue on my quest to defeat all my pressures.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Birthday Part Two
Hello everyone,
Here is the second part to my blog. My birthday part over at Marina's. I got a ton of fabulous gifts from the gang and I am very thankful! We played these games:
Price is Right
Crainium (The Pop Culture one)
Clue
Imaginiff...
Guitar Hero
We all went out to eat at Applebees and I heard some entertaining stories and ate some good Nachos. I was getting very tired toward the end of the night and the moment I would start to fall asleep Marina would throw a random object at me and I would wake up. Good times I tell ya. haha. I ended up sleeping around 3:30am and woke up at 8:30am to my phone ringing. Put it on silent and went back to sleep and woke up around 10:30am. I was tired all day haha. After migrating from room to room we finally migrated to the Olive Garden and we 'Stole' Breadsticks. I still say it wasn't stealing cause we paid for them. Haha.
Basically at the Olive Garden the waitress kept rejecting me. I was the very last person to get their food. Then when I wanted a box the waitress just walked right past me. Then when I asked for her to split the check she walked right past me again. Not cool. But it all worked out and I went home to prepare for my Chicago trip. Which will lead to my birthday update part three! :-D I cannot wait! Until then, here are a few photos from yesterday:
Ashely SMILING! :D
Marina and her R2D2 popcorn bowl. hehe.
"John Travolta!"
Here is the second part to my blog. My birthday part over at Marina's. I got a ton of fabulous gifts from the gang and I am very thankful! We played these games:
Price is Right
Crainium (The Pop Culture one)
Clue
Imaginiff...
Guitar Hero
We all went out to eat at Applebees and I heard some entertaining stories and ate some good Nachos. I was getting very tired toward the end of the night and the moment I would start to fall asleep Marina would throw a random object at me and I would wake up. Good times I tell ya. haha. I ended up sleeping around 3:30am and woke up at 8:30am to my phone ringing. Put it on silent and went back to sleep and woke up around 10:30am. I was tired all day haha. After migrating from room to room we finally migrated to the Olive Garden and we 'Stole' Breadsticks. I still say it wasn't stealing cause we paid for them. Haha.
Basically at the Olive Garden the waitress kept rejecting me. I was the very last person to get their food. Then when I wanted a box the waitress just walked right past me. Then when I asked for her to split the check she walked right past me again. Not cool. But it all worked out and I went home to prepare for my Chicago trip. Which will lead to my birthday update part three! :-D I cannot wait! Until then, here are a few photos from yesterday:
Ashely SMILING! :D
Marina and her R2D2 popcorn bowl. hehe.
"John Travolta!"
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