Pressure

The never-ending pressure

The only thing that is keeping me from going insane is the music that is playing through my ears graciously from my headphones.

When I left home for Chicago, almost two weeks ago, it felt as if this huge weight of pressure was lifted off of my shoulders and I was suddenly free. I welcomed the sunlight through my small window on the plane. I could breathe and I was at peace.

My time there was incredibly joyous and I wished it would never end. Unfortunately I had to come back home eventually. Like the year before I became somewhat depressed to be leaving a place I loved so dearly. It gave me a feeling I had been lacking for sometime now and I teased myself with it. When I came home it was bitter sweet. It was nice to see my family again but I felt like that weight was put back on to my shoulders.

I feel like I have to face enormous amounts of pressure and sad to say that is what I think a good portion of life is about. Just facing those pressures and hopefully you’ll get to have that sense of freedom for good and not just 5 days and 4 nights.

I need to be a better sister, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend, and a better cousin. I need to be more helpful in cleaning. I need to not get so stressed over things that are out of my control. I need to believe that things will get better soon and that life isn’t going to get worse. I need to believe that my grandma will get better. I need to believe that I will soon have enough money to pay off the bills.

I need and want a lot of things but I will always have this. My writing and whether it is good or bad I will always have it. It keeps me sane just like the music that floods my ears. I get to breathe again when I write and things don’t seem so bad. I get a sense of clarity and a sense of something positive.

I am a distant friend to some right now. It’s just I am not ready to take on some things just yet and I will get back in to contact with you soon. Just right now, I need to regain that sense of clarity and sanity.

Until then, I continue on my quest to defeat all my pressures.