I Try So Hard

But I am failing

I am trying so hard to be strong for you but I feel like I am failing. I am trying to be the strength for my mom and my sisters and I am failing at that too.

With each and every passing second a little piece of that wall cracks. Every teardrop is another pebble or stone from my wall. It’s getting hard to breathe now and the tears won’t stop flowing. My eyes seem to be swollen from all the tears. I try to hold them back but with every memory I have of you it brings back the tears times ten.

I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to see you laugh and watch CSI Miami. I want to see you drive in your van and listen to your music. I want to see you drink your wine and give me a hug and a kiss. I want to hear all of your advice. Just to hear your voice and see your smile would be an unspeakable joy.

It’s not fair that Noah and Becca won’t get to know you as well as I have. It’s not fair that they won’t get your birthday cards or your Christmas gifts. They deserve to have you love and so much more. They deserve at least a memory, but they are too young.

This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. The fifth wish out of the five was the hardest to go over. When it was asking us to forgive you for any hurt you’ve cause us. You did nothing to hurt us and there is nothing to forgive. I am sorry I wasn’t around more. I am sorry I never hugged your more or spoke to you more. I curse my quiet nature right now because it took away any chance I had to speak with you. In my mind I always had tomorrow.

I don’t want you to be in any more pain. I want to see you come home and sit in your chair or on your couch again. I am going to miss you so much and if I am like this right now I don’t know how I will be when you are gone. I love you so very much and this hurts just the same, more likely it hurts worse.