Ahh, I Am Still Here

An update of my serious lack of writing

Hello everyone,

Well, it has been fairly obvious that I have neglected my writing for the past few weeks. Why? Well, for the simple fact that I haven’t felt like writing. Why haven’t I felt like writing? I lost someone who I have grown up with my whole life, my grandmother.

She died on August 19th, 2007. I had to go to Oklahoma for her funeral and then I had to get things in order for other stuff and I really haven’t had the want, need or time to write anything. As of lately I have wanted to write something but when I got the opportunity I have just been too worn out to even type out the words.

I’m not going to lie; it’s been extremely hard for me after my grandmother’s passing. I see so many things that remind me of her and it makes me miss her all the more. I still feel like she is just down the hall lying on the bed that is no longer there. It is still hard for me to talk about this without tears falling down my face. It is still close to home and a touchy issue. I mean I think I am pretty fine most of the times but once I see an old family video, a photo, or just one of the many objects that remind me of her I feel saddened. My pain can’t be nearly as bad as my mothers and my aunts and uncle or my grandfather’s.

When my grandmother was in the hospital and I knew she was dying I really did not want to be in the room when she passed. I felt that when she passed that I would die as well. I just couldn’t see my life without her. I pictured everything going black and that scared me and I was scared for her. Watching her trying her hardest to hold on for her family. Saying ‘No, I can’t go. Who’s going to take care of them?’ is one of the hardest things a person can see. I was in the waiting room the night she passed away. I was almost asleep when my aunt Shirley told me that I was wanted in my grandmother’s hospital room. I witnessed the one thing I did not want to see. I saw my grandmother die and let me tell you. That image still haunts me to this day. It was the very reason why I didn’t want to be in the room. But, I needed to be there for my mother. I had to be strong for my mother. Everyone just kept telling me to be strong for my mother. I hope I was strong enough for her.

I feel horrible for neglecting my friends. I just haven’t felt the need to call, and you all should know I don’t call because I am not a phone person, or even e-mailed. I just did not have any desire to. I am sorry; I hope you all can understand. So I will end with this. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.