Words I want to say but don’t.
I miss the embrace of your arms. Let my heart melt with you smile. I wish I could look into your eyes again. Those beautiful eyes that I still can’t seem to find my way out of.
I remember one time you made me smile and the room seemed to glow. The mandatory meeting at school left my energy level running on empty. I decided to rest my head on the wall next to my seat and I daze off in to the not so empty classroom. I sense you walking back and forth in the class and I continue to daze off. You lean down and we look at each other eye to eye. You smile that sweet smile of yours and wave hello to me. No longer in a daze my smile becomes more than a slight grin. I wave back and your smile grows bigger and you walk off again. I look away to try to hide the ridiculously large smile on my face. But, it was not as easy as I thought. It never gets any easier with the thought of you.
In my crazy little mind you tell me “I want you” and all I want to say to you is “Then just take me!” I have to wake up sometime and that’s the sad fact of all this. Moving on and past you will be hard but I know I have been blessed to have met you. Even for just a small while, you made my heart beat better than it has in a while.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I Have Always…
A list of things that I have always wanted to do in my lifetime.
- To kiss someone in the rain. Not that stupid California rain either. I mean the real rain where it is POURING!
- To twirl outside while it was snowing.
- To stare deeply in to someone’s eyes.
- To actually be good at playing the guitar.
- To take a long road-trip across the USA.
- To backpack through Europe.
- To see the Green-flash.
- To go ice-skating.
- To meet the Foo Fighters, it’s always been a dream of mine. I love that band.
- To learn how to make delicious concoctions.
- To learn to sing relatively well.
- To go to the Opera.
- To go to a ball.
I know there are more but those are the ones that are standing out in my mind at the moment. What is your list of things that you have wanted to do?
A lot of these I think I can actually achieve and I plan on making those dreams a reality. One of the many things that I find so calming and peaceful is to take a good long walk in the rain. The thought of it brings a warming smile to my face. I wanted to take a walk this weekend but unfortunately a thing called work got in the way. I hope it rains out here again because I really want to take that walk.
Another thing that I think would be awesome to do is to dance or twirl in the rain. But I already achieved that back in my high school days. I think I am due for another twirl. I like to think of myself as young at heart. I shall bid you all ado for now as I wait for another rainfall to come my way. How I long for those icy drops of pleasure to hit my warm skin.
- To kiss someone in the rain. Not that stupid California rain either. I mean the real rain where it is POURING!
- To twirl outside while it was snowing.
- To stare deeply in to someone’s eyes.
- To actually be good at playing the guitar.
- To take a long road-trip across the USA.
- To backpack through Europe.
- To see the Green-flash.
- To go ice-skating.
- To meet the Foo Fighters, it’s always been a dream of mine. I love that band.
- To learn how to make delicious concoctions.
- To learn to sing relatively well.
- To go to the Opera.
- To go to a ball.
I know there are more but those are the ones that are standing out in my mind at the moment. What is your list of things that you have wanted to do?
A lot of these I think I can actually achieve and I plan on making those dreams a reality. One of the many things that I find so calming and peaceful is to take a good long walk in the rain. The thought of it brings a warming smile to my face. I wanted to take a walk this weekend but unfortunately a thing called work got in the way. I hope it rains out here again because I really want to take that walk.
Another thing that I think would be awesome to do is to dance or twirl in the rain. But I already achieved that back in my high school days. I think I am due for another twirl. I like to think of myself as young at heart. I shall bid you all ado for now as I wait for another rainfall to come my way. How I long for those icy drops of pleasure to hit my warm skin.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Ahh, I Am Still Here
An update of my serious lack of writing
Hello everyone,
Well, it has been fairly obvious that I have neglected my writing for the past few weeks. Why? Well, for the simple fact that I haven’t felt like writing. Why haven’t I felt like writing? I lost someone who I have grown up with my whole life, my grandmother.
She died on August 19th, 2007. I had to go to Oklahoma for her funeral and then I had to get things in order for other stuff and I really haven’t had the want, need or time to write anything. As of lately I have wanted to write something but when I got the opportunity I have just been too worn out to even type out the words.
I’m not going to lie; it’s been extremely hard for me after my grandmother’s passing. I see so many things that remind me of her and it makes me miss her all the more. I still feel like she is just down the hall lying on the bed that is no longer there. It is still hard for me to talk about this without tears falling down my face. It is still close to home and a touchy issue. I mean I think I am pretty fine most of the times but once I see an old family video, a photo, or just one of the many objects that remind me of her I feel saddened. My pain can’t be nearly as bad as my mothers and my aunts and uncle or my grandfather’s.
When my grandmother was in the hospital and I knew she was dying I really did not want to be in the room when she passed. I felt that when she passed that I would die as well. I just couldn’t see my life without her. I pictured everything going black and that scared me and I was scared for her. Watching her trying her hardest to hold on for her family. Saying ‘No, I can’t go. Who’s going to take care of them?’ is one of the hardest things a person can see. I was in the waiting room the night she passed away. I was almost asleep when my aunt Shirley told me that I was wanted in my grandmother’s hospital room. I witnessed the one thing I did not want to see. I saw my grandmother die and let me tell you. That image still haunts me to this day. It was the very reason why I didn’t want to be in the room. But, I needed to be there for my mother. I had to be strong for my mother. Everyone just kept telling me to be strong for my mother. I hope I was strong enough for her.
I feel horrible for neglecting my friends. I just haven’t felt the need to call, and you all should know I don’t call because I am not a phone person, or even e-mailed. I just did not have any desire to. I am sorry; I hope you all can understand. So I will end with this. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.
Hello everyone,
Well, it has been fairly obvious that I have neglected my writing for the past few weeks. Why? Well, for the simple fact that I haven’t felt like writing. Why haven’t I felt like writing? I lost someone who I have grown up with my whole life, my grandmother.
She died on August 19th, 2007. I had to go to Oklahoma for her funeral and then I had to get things in order for other stuff and I really haven’t had the want, need or time to write anything. As of lately I have wanted to write something but when I got the opportunity I have just been too worn out to even type out the words.
I’m not going to lie; it’s been extremely hard for me after my grandmother’s passing. I see so many things that remind me of her and it makes me miss her all the more. I still feel like she is just down the hall lying on the bed that is no longer there. It is still hard for me to talk about this without tears falling down my face. It is still close to home and a touchy issue. I mean I think I am pretty fine most of the times but once I see an old family video, a photo, or just one of the many objects that remind me of her I feel saddened. My pain can’t be nearly as bad as my mothers and my aunts and uncle or my grandfather’s.
When my grandmother was in the hospital and I knew she was dying I really did not want to be in the room when she passed. I felt that when she passed that I would die as well. I just couldn’t see my life without her. I pictured everything going black and that scared me and I was scared for her. Watching her trying her hardest to hold on for her family. Saying ‘No, I can’t go. Who’s going to take care of them?’ is one of the hardest things a person can see. I was in the waiting room the night she passed away. I was almost asleep when my aunt Shirley told me that I was wanted in my grandmother’s hospital room. I witnessed the one thing I did not want to see. I saw my grandmother die and let me tell you. That image still haunts me to this day. It was the very reason why I didn’t want to be in the room. But, I needed to be there for my mother. I had to be strong for my mother. Everyone just kept telling me to be strong for my mother. I hope I was strong enough for her.
I feel horrible for neglecting my friends. I just haven’t felt the need to call, and you all should know I don’t call because I am not a phone person, or even e-mailed. I just did not have any desire to. I am sorry; I hope you all can understand. So I will end with this. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.
Monday, September 10, 2007
One of the many reasons why...
Dave Grohl rocks. He says the darndest things
"You know those things that you put batteries in and they just vacuum the floor without anyone touching them? That's what I think of Britney Spears" - Dave on Britney's VMA Performance.
"You know those things that you put batteries in and they just vacuum the floor without anyone touching them? That's what I think of Britney Spears" - Dave on Britney's VMA Performance.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
I Try So Hard
But I am failing
I am trying so hard to be strong for you but I feel like I am failing. I am trying to be the strength for my mom and my sisters and I am failing at that too.
With each and every passing second a little piece of that wall cracks. Every teardrop is another pebble or stone from my wall. It’s getting hard to breathe now and the tears won’t stop flowing. My eyes seem to be swollen from all the tears. I try to hold them back but with every memory I have of you it brings back the tears times ten.
I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to see you laugh and watch CSI Miami. I want to see you drive in your van and listen to your music. I want to see you drink your wine and give me a hug and a kiss. I want to hear all of your advice. Just to hear your voice and see your smile would be an unspeakable joy.
It’s not fair that Noah and Becca won’t get to know you as well as I have. It’s not fair that they won’t get your birthday cards or your Christmas gifts. They deserve to have you love and so much more. They deserve at least a memory, but they are too young.
This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. The fifth wish out of the five was the hardest to go over. When it was asking us to forgive you for any hurt you’ve cause us. You did nothing to hurt us and there is nothing to forgive. I am sorry I wasn’t around more. I am sorry I never hugged your more or spoke to you more. I curse my quiet nature right now because it took away any chance I had to speak with you. In my mind I always had tomorrow.
I don’t want you to be in any more pain. I want to see you come home and sit in your chair or on your couch again. I am going to miss you so much and if I am like this right now I don’t know how I will be when you are gone. I love you so very much and this hurts just the same, more likely it hurts worse.
I am trying so hard to be strong for you but I feel like I am failing. I am trying to be the strength for my mom and my sisters and I am failing at that too.
With each and every passing second a little piece of that wall cracks. Every teardrop is another pebble or stone from my wall. It’s getting hard to breathe now and the tears won’t stop flowing. My eyes seem to be swollen from all the tears. I try to hold them back but with every memory I have of you it brings back the tears times ten.
I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to see you laugh and watch CSI Miami. I want to see you drive in your van and listen to your music. I want to see you drink your wine and give me a hug and a kiss. I want to hear all of your advice. Just to hear your voice and see your smile would be an unspeakable joy.
It’s not fair that Noah and Becca won’t get to know you as well as I have. It’s not fair that they won’t get your birthday cards or your Christmas gifts. They deserve to have you love and so much more. They deserve at least a memory, but they are too young.
This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. The fifth wish out of the five was the hardest to go over. When it was asking us to forgive you for any hurt you’ve cause us. You did nothing to hurt us and there is nothing to forgive. I am sorry I wasn’t around more. I am sorry I never hugged your more or spoke to you more. I curse my quiet nature right now because it took away any chance I had to speak with you. In my mind I always had tomorrow.
I don’t want you to be in any more pain. I want to see you come home and sit in your chair or on your couch again. I am going to miss you so much and if I am like this right now I don’t know how I will be when you are gone. I love you so very much and this hurts just the same, more likely it hurts worse.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
You Hold The Rights I’ll Never Own
A bunch of mixed emotions all rolled in to one person.
Is anyone ever ready to say goodbye to someone they hold dear? Is everyone ever ready for the wave of hurt that is going to come?
So, with you holding all the rights that I will never own is it ok for me to beg you not to take that person from me? Can I plead for you to spare her life for a while longer? Is it ok for me to be selfish not only for myself but for my family’s sake as well? Can I be able to introduce her to my future husband? Can she be there for the birth of my future unborn child? Can she please be able to watch her two youngest grandchildren grow? Is it too much to ask?
Can you help me not be bitter towards another? Can you help me feel like she does respect me? Can you help me feel like she does care about how I feel? Can you help me not feel envious of the two of them? That they have someone they can lean on for support. They have someone they love and can be their strength. Do I not deserve that?
Is it wrong that at the moment I could care less about other topics? Is it wrong that all I want is for someone to just hold me and reassure me that things will get better? Is it wrong to feel this way? Should I just suck it up and deal with it and except the inevitable even though that means I have to say goodbye?
Is anyone ever ready to say goodbye to someone they hold dear? Is everyone ever ready for the wave of hurt that is going to come?
So, with you holding all the rights that I will never own is it ok for me to beg you not to take that person from me? Can I plead for you to spare her life for a while longer? Is it ok for me to be selfish not only for myself but for my family’s sake as well? Can I be able to introduce her to my future husband? Can she be there for the birth of my future unborn child? Can she please be able to watch her two youngest grandchildren grow? Is it too much to ask?
Can you help me not be bitter towards another? Can you help me feel like she does respect me? Can you help me feel like she does care about how I feel? Can you help me not feel envious of the two of them? That they have someone they can lean on for support. They have someone they love and can be their strength. Do I not deserve that?
Is it wrong that at the moment I could care less about other topics? Is it wrong that all I want is for someone to just hold me and reassure me that things will get better? Is it wrong to feel this way? Should I just suck it up and deal with it and except the inevitable even though that means I have to say goodbye?
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